


a fifty-fifty shot

by aetherae



Category: Tales of Berseria
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Texting, a bers fam fic essentially, complicated family dynamics that i barely touch on, i can't believe i had to make half those relationship tags myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-28 04:37:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20058127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aetherae/pseuds/aetherae
Summary: Phi needs some advice. Thankfully, he only has the most upstanding friends to ask advice from.





	a fifty-fifty shot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Misty_Reeyus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misty_Reeyus/gifts).

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIST!!!!! i hope you have a lovely day and birthday, you absolutely deserve it. tbh i feel like this kind of fic is outside of what i usually do for gifts for you but at least it's..... straight up happy for once............. it only took several years LMFAO. i hope you enjoy this at least a little, that alone would be enough. i love you mist!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!
> 
> as for this fic itself: i've always wanted to do a texting fic and imo the bers cast is well-suited for it. that's really my only excuse.

_LAPHICET COLBRANDE created the chat._  
_PHI named the conversation: _**_Gift Ideas for Velvet_**_._

**PHI:** Hey guys, in case you didn’t know, Velvet’s birthday is coming up! I would ask Niko to get the full details on what we’re doing to celebrate, but I wanted to ask for help picking out a birthday gift for her.

**ELEANOR: **That’s very sweet of you, but I’m sure she’d like anything you gave her.

**ROKUROU:** you sure about asking us tho? i mean eleanor’s a good choice but idk jack shit about good bday gifts. i doubt magilou does either

**MAGILOU:** EXCUUUUUUSE YOU but i have GREAT ideas for our 💕darling💕 velvet! get her an 🛫 all-expenses paid trip to yseult 🌅🏖, or 🎉 surprise her w/ a lifesize mega phoenix plushie deluxe 🎁, or hire me to put on the most fantastical fabulous force of a ✨magic show✨ in her life!!

**EIZEN: **Don’t do any of those things.

_ MAGILOU is typing… _

**PHI: **Don’t worry, I wasn’t planning on it. 👍

**MAGILOU: 💀💀💀 **BETRAYAL!!!  
and oh? what would U kno about giving good gifts, mr. everything-i-touch-breaks??

**EIZEN: **Nothing. Nearly everything I touch DOES break, so giving gifts has always been out of the question.  
Also, she’s underage. If it doesn’t involve alcohol, I REALLY have no idea what to do for gifts.

**ELEANOR: **What have you been doing for Edna’s birthdays then?

**EIZEN:** Oh, that’s easy. I just ask her what she wants for her birthday so I can pay for it. When she was younger, that meant taking her to the mall so she could point at a stuffed bear in the window, but these days, she just texts me a link on Turtlez. I get her whatever she wants and never have to risk breaking it, two birds with one stone!

**ROKUROU:** man… she seriously has you wrapped around her finger………

**PHI:** But that’s a good idea! I’ll ask her to take me to the mall next time she visits, and then I’ll try and see if anything catches her eye while we’re there. Thanks, Eizen!

**MAGILOU**: keep us posted on what she’s looking @ kiddo 👀  
since apparently an ~*exclusive tailored magic show*~ provided by urs truly is such an awful gift idea

**ELEANOR: **You’re free to try on your own, but don’t be surprised if Velvet tries to choke you on the spot.

**ROKUROU:** knowing velvet tho, letting her beat up magilou wouldn’t be a bad gift

**MAGILOU:** 👎👎👎  
terrible, every last one of u

* * *

**PHI: **GUYS HELP  
WHAT AM I GOING TO THE MALL FOR

**ROKUROU: **???  
last i knew it was to scope out a gift for velvet

**PHI: **Well yeah obviously but Velvet can’t know that! We’re about to leave but she wants to know what I need to go to the mall for and I didn’t think that far ahead!

**ELEANOR: **Just tell her you’re looking for a birthday gift for a friend?

**MAGILOU: **so u want him to give away his whole operation?? SHE’LL FIGURE HIM OUT IN A HEARTBEAT 💔

**ELEANOR:** Maybe, but it’s better than lying to her! He’s terrible at lying, especially when it comes to Velvet!

**EIZEN:** She’s got a point. A partial truth might be his only way out of it.

**PHI: **Hey, I know how to lie!!

**ROKUROU: **remember that time i was showing you knife tricks in your backyard  
and then you wanted to try it too  
so you threw it straight into the gas tank of your dad’s grill and it exploded

**ELEANOR: **I still can’t believe you let a child try out knife tricks! That’s so irresponsible of you!

**MAGILOU: **yet ur the one d8ing him so tbh how responsible does that make u??

**ROKUROU: **so i told you to just let me take the heat for it when the fire department came and your dad got home but the moment you looked up at the adults you started crying about how it was all your fault and i didn’t do anything wrong?

**PHI: **But it really was all my fault! I didn’t want you to get arrested!! You’re still paying off the fine from your last fight with Shigure!

**EIZEN: **And this is exactly why we’re telling you that you can’t lie for shit.  
Also, isn’t Velvet going to wonder why you’re suddenly glued to your phone so much?

**ELEANOR: **Or see that you’re in a group chat with all of us and wonder why she’s not part of it like she usually is?

**MAGILOU:** @ELEANOR hey u didn’t answer my question!!!

_ PHI is typing… _

**PHI:** Okay so again, maybe I didn’t think that far ahead. I can be sneaky about the chat though! You’ll see!

**ROKUROU: **he’s just gonna mute the chat, isn’t he?

* * *

**PHI:** The mall was a bust, I can’t ask Niko because she can’t keep a secret, it's only a week till the party, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

**EIZEN:** Can’t you ask your uncle or something? I thought he worshiped the ground Velvet walked on just like you do.

**ROKUROU:** yeah aren’t you named for him??

**PHI: **Don’t remind me.

**ELEANOR: **Did something happen between the two of you?

**MAGILOU: **tea brewing in the colbrande-crowe family?? 🍵🍵 who ever could've guessed?!

**PHI:** Jeez, nothing happened! It’s just been kinda hard to talk to him ever since he went to college… I think Velvet’s mad at him.  
Also, whenever we do talk, he just goes on and on about all the cool stuff he’s learning in school and how hard it is for his classmates to keep up with him and stuff like that. It’s kind of…

**MAGILOU: **annoying 💢? insufferable 💢💢? positively nerve-grating teeth-grinding eye-gouging irritating? 💢💢💢

**EIZEN: **You sound like you’re speaking from experience.

**MAGILOU: **i am! being a 🎓college-level genius at my tender teenage years did wonders to my ego! 💪 stoked the flames of pride so high and tall it’s a wonder i didn’t 🔥burn🔥 in my own self-flattery!

**ROKUROU: **didn’t you drop out

**MAGILOU: **why do u think i did? even i knew how awful i was! 🤷  
but in addition to that, the young laphicet crowe won’t stop texting me about what to write his thesis on for my old man’s class, so i have experience both ways. as if i care about which philosopher the shitty old man’s crying over this semester! idek how he got my ###

**EIZEN: **Velvet visited him in Loegres a few weeks ago, right? She probably gave him your number when she realized he was struggling in Mayvin’s class.

**ROKUROU: **oh yeaaaah she did go to loegres uni to visit him! and then got banned from the campus or something

**MAGILOU:** now THAT’S 🍵🍵🍵 worth sipping on!! apparently she got into a fight w/ one (1) teresa linares bc her brother and laphi ran for the same theology club position and laphi won! teresa had some WORDS to say about that and u kno how velvet goes positively feral 👊👊 the second someone talks shit about her baby bro

**ELEANOR: **COULD YOU ALL FOCUS AND SHUT UP FOR A SECOND? WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING L A P H I C E T, REMEMBER?  
Your dad is the one who encouraged Velvet’s brother to attend university in Loegres, right, Phi?

**PHI: **Yeah.  
They thought I was asleep, but I overheard them arguing about it. She said that Dad was still trying to get rid of everything that reminded him of Mom. He said that if she really knew her brother, she would know how badly he wanted to go to school outside of home.

**ROKUROU: **y i k e s

**ELEANOR: **They still don’t get along, do they?

**PHI: **No… But I know they care about each other still! Dad’s always asking me about how Velvet’s doing since she doesn’t like talking to him, and Velvet always smiles when she tells me stories about him from when Mom was alive.

**ROKUROU: **families can be complicated. idk the full history between the two of them but it sounds rough

**EIZEN: **She misses him though. I don’t think she’d keep swinging by the pawn shop for gifts for him if she didn’t.

**PHI: **She does?  
But I’ve never seen her give him a gift!

**ELEANOR: **Your uncle always visits for the holidays and your dad’s birthday though. If I had to guess, Velvet probably passes along the gift through him.

**MAGILOU:** tbh they’re both just 2 stubborn+proud+set in their ways for their own good. it’s easier to lick ur wounds than actually try and heal them. he knos exactly how to pick open her old hurts, and she knos exactly how to pour salt on his own, but ofc that was bound to happen when he taught her how to fight. they kno how to beat e/o up like no one else. a REAL gift 4 her would be getting her and him to actually fix their relationship, but there’s fat chance of that happening

**ROKUROU: **wow… i can’t believe you said something smart

**MAGILOU:** i told u i was a teenage college genius!! 🧠✨🧠 g e n i u s

**ELEANOR: **What if you and your dad tried to give her something together? That alone won’t fix things between them, but it might be a start.

**PHI: **I don’t know if she’d really like that, but… I’ll try asking my dad what he thinks…  
Thanks, everyone.

**ELEANOR: **Of course. We’re here for you if you ever want to talk, okay? ❤

* * *

_VELVET CROWE created the chat._

**VELVET:** Whatever you guys are talking about with Phi, I don’t really care  
But  
Don’t get him into any trouble, alright?

**MAGILOU: **this is slander! 😤 defamation! 😡 libel! 🤬🤬🤬 a smear campaign of the highest order!!  
how dare u even INSINU8 we would drag r darling precious 👼 angel boy into trouble!

**ELEANOR: **What even makes you think we’re talking to him in the first place? If we were, you’d see in our usual chat.

**VELVET: **Please  
1\. Just hearing Magilou talk like that has me convinced  
2\. There’s only one group of people he could be talking to for his phone to be going off that damn loudly  
Silva has manners

**EIZEN:** I resent that. Magilou’s the only one among us who spams like crazy.

**MAGILOU: **☠  
way to throw me under the bus jackass

**ROKUROU: **when it comes to chats, it’s every man for himself

**VELVET: **Riiiiight  
So you all admit to talking to Phi in some other chat then?

**EIZEN: **No comment.  
But hypothetically speaking, if I WAS talking to Phi in some other chat, I could make no promises about not getting him into trouble regardless.

**VELVET: **Then hypothetically speaking  
I WILL come down to the pawn shop to throw down if I have to

**EIZEN: **Oh? I didn’t realize another holiday was coming up. I’m sure Artorius will be happy though.

**VELVET: **YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP

**MAGILOU: **EASY THERE GIRL no need to shout  
but also calm down 👏  
sure we MIGHT get phi-boy into a bit of trouble but 🤷 it’s not like that’s any different from usual  
how many times has he been grounded after hanging out w/ us??

**ROKUROU: **frankly i’m shocked he even has a phone still

**VELVET: **The difference is that I’m usually involved

**MAGILOU: **she admits it!!!

**VELVET: **And can make whatever excuses to his dad for him

**ELEANOR: **I realize that you don’t get along with his dad, but wouldn’t it be better to not purposefully drag Phi into trouble just to make his dad’s life a little harder?

**VELVET: **Hey, I don’t do it on purpose!  
I’d never purposefully get Phi into trouble  
It’s just not my fault his old man doesn’t know how to live a little and have fun

**EIZEN: **And seeing Artorius pop a blood vessel is just the icing on top?

**VELVET:** Oh yeah  
He holds anger in well but you can always tell thanks to this one vein in his forehead that just BULGES  
Never gets old honestly

**MAGILOU: **wow and u haven’t taken a pic 📸📸  
share w/ the class!!

**ROKUROU: **and given all that now  
looking at the people in this chat  
be real, velvet  
do you REALLY think any of us can guarantee no trouble??

_VELVET_ _is typing…_

**VELVET: **I’m counting on you, Eleanor

_VELVET_ _ has left the chat._

**ELEANOR: **Why do *I* have to be the responsible one?

**MAGILOU: **bc ur the only responsible one duh??

**ELEANOR: **Hey! I can be irresponsible! I know how to let loose and have fun too!!

**EIZEN: **The most irresponsible thing you’ve ever done is date Rokurou.  
And hang out with us.

**ROKUROU: **✌

**MAGILOU: **considering they’re both ongoing things tho that IS pretty reckless of her tbh

**ELEANOR: **Are we all just going to forget about the time I challenged Velvet to an arm wrestling contest and won?  
And then she had to spend the next two weeks being nice to Artorius and record herself doing it as proof?

**EIZEN:** Oh. Shit.  
I can’t believe I forgot. That was one of your finest moments.

**ELEANOR: **THANK YOU!

**ROKUROU: **my girlfriend’s one hell of a woman and you all better remember it  
but also you realize what this means right

**MAGILOU: **the kid’s screwed 4 sure

_ELEANOR is typing…_

**ELEANOR: **🤦

* * *

**MAGILOU: **OMFG I HAVE THE *PERFECT* IDEA 4 A BDAY GIFT 4 VELVET  
@PHI @PHI @PHI !!!  
UMUTE THE CHAT PHI THIS IS IMPORTANT

**ROKUROU:** this oughta be good

**PHI: **Oh, um… I appreciate everyone’s help, and yours too Magilou, but I think I know what to get for Velvet.

**EIZEN: **That was anticlimactic. Glad it’s settled though.

**ROKUROU: **😂😂

_ MAGILOU is typing… _

**ROKUROU: **eleanor wanted me to tell you that she has her face in her hands

**MAGILOU: **R U 4 REAL RN???  
AFTER ALL THIS TIME ALL THE ENERGY WE’VE *POURED* INTO HELPING U THRU THIS AND THIS IS WHAT U DO TO ME????

**EIZEN: **Calm down, it’s not that serious.

_ MAGILOU is typing… _

_ MAGILOU is typing… _

**ROKUROU: **maybe just hear her out before she has a meltdown on us

**PHI: **What was your idea Magilou!! I’d love to hear it.

**MAGILOU:** well since u asked so nicely 😊  
instead of giving her free reign to beat ME up  
(which btw is still 🖕🖕 the WORST idea i’ve ever heard)  
you give her free reign to beat 🤜ARTORIUS🤛 up

_ ROKUROU is typing… _

_ EIZEN is typing… _

_ PHI is typing… _

_ ELEANOR is typing… _

**MAGILOU: **deigning us w/ ur real presence now @ELEANOR??

**ELEANOR: **YOUR IDEA IS SO BAD I CAN’T JUST DICTATE MY OUTRAGE THROUGH ROKUROU, IT’S RUINING OUR DATE

**ROKUROU: **if these bowls of yozakura anmitsu melt on us you owe me  
but also  
LMFAOOOOOOOOOO  
I TAKE IT BACK, THIS REALLY IS GOOD

**EIZEN:** Unbelievable.  
But also, you should do it.

**ELEANOR: **ARE YOU ALL INSANE???

**PHI: **WHAT THE HELL MAGILOU  
I CAN’T JUST LET VELVET BEAT UP MY DAD

**EIZEN: **You even got the kid to swear, I’m in awe.

**MAGILOU: **WHAT???  
u can’t tell me velvet WOULDN’T enjoy 👊 beating up ur dad  
like we’ve established how 🙅🚫🙅 bad their relationship is  
i’m sure she’d love to tear him a new one  
even more than me

_ ELEANOR removed MAGILOU from the chat. _

_ ROKUROU added MAGILOU to the chat. _

**ELEANOR: **ROKUROU

**MAGILOU: **now u can’t complain about me ruining ur d8

**ROKUROU:** look hear me out  
speaking as a martial artist myself  
there’s some things you say better in a fight than through talking  
velvet and her brother-in-law are obviously shit at talking normally  
a fight might actually not be a bad idea

**EIZEN:** Okay, I was only in it for the shitpost nature of it, but he has a point.  
They’ll never get around to talking things out at this rate. This could be that first step forward like Eleanor said.

**ELEANOR: **I said a gift from BOTH OF THEM might be a start, not letting them tear each other apart verbally on top of physically!!!  
But…

**MAGILOU: **👀👀

**ELEANOR: **Having trained under him myself, I have to say… There are certainly some things he expresses better through fight than through words.

**ROKUROU: **wtf he taught you fighting too?? i thought you just took his classic lit class  
what kind of uni professor is he  
but also WHY HAVEN’T YOU SPARRED W/ ME  
BABE!!

**ELEANOR: **You never asked!

**EIZEN: **Get a room, you two.

**ROKUROU: **I’M TRYING

**MAGILOU:** except they’re already in a room 2gether aren’t they

**PHI: **AHEM

**ELEANOR: **Sorry, Phi.

**ROKUROU: **🙇 my bad

**MAGILOU: **feels good not being the one in trouble for once

**PHI: **No, you’re still in trouble.

**MAGILOU: **WHAT!!

**PHI: **IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA! I DON’T WANT TO SEE THEM HURT EACH OTHER!!  
… But I understand that feelings are complicated and that grownups are dumb sometimes and don’t always know how to talk about things the right way.  
So. I’ll think about it.

**EIZEN:** Huh. That’s better than I thought you’d take it.  
What are you getting for Velvet anyways?

**PHI: **🤗🤗  
My dad told me about how her brother got her a really special comb for her birthday once, so I thought it’d be nice to get her something for her hair! She’s always complaining about losing her hair ties. Dad’s gonna take me shopping so we can find some really pretty ones for her.  
Thank you for asking, Eizen.

**EIZEN: **No problem, Phi.

**ELEANOR: **Oh, that’s so sweet and thoughtful! I hope you find some good ones, but I know she’ll love them no matter what. Will your dad give them to her with you?

**PHI: **That I’m not sure about, but I hope he does. I’m trying to convince him it won’t be so bad.

**ROKUROU: **convince him so velvet has him in punching distance when you give her the other gift too

_ ELEANOR removed ROKUROU from the chat. _

_ EIZEN added ROKUROU to the chat. _

**ELEANOR: **EIZEN

**EIZEN: **What? We’re all in this for the long haul now, for better or worse.

**PHI: **Like I said, I’ll THINK about doing this other gift. We’ll see!  
But just in case, no more gift ideas, thank you.  
Especially from you, Magilou.

**MAGILOU:** how am i still the villain in this!! 💀

**EIZEN: **Just so you know, your insufferable teenage college genius attitude hasn’t changed at all.

* * *

**PHI:** If I’m grounded for the rest of my life, you know why.  
_Attached: IMG_1840.JPG_

**ROKUROU: **the madman’s actually gonna do it  
praying for you friend

**MAGILOU: **🙏🙏🙏

**EIZEN: **You made it into a coupon?

**ELEANOR: **I think the “1 free time to be mad at Dad around me” is kind of sweet, actually.

**PHI: **Yeah, she tries not to talk about him around me when she’s mad at him, but I don’t mind listening to her if she wants to talk about it.

**ROKUROU: **and the “1 free punch at Dad” part?

**PHI: **Well… I’m hoping she won’t take it, but I thought it’d be funny to include it at least.

**EIZEN: **You really think she’s gonna pass it up?

**MAGILOU: 💰 **100 gald says she doesn’t even read the whole thing b4 she takes a swing @ ol’ arty

**ELEANOR: **Maybe we should at least TRY to have faith in our friend to not do something stupid? Anyone?

**ROKUROU:** a smart man never bets against the odds  
100 gald magilou’s right

**EIZEN: **Are you kidding? Gambling’s all about the risk and reward.  
I’m with Eleanor.

**ELEANOR: **Thank you!

**EIZEN: **100 gald says Velvet keeps her temper in check so she can cash in on punching Artorius later in private when he’s REALLY pissed her off.

**ELEANOR: **I take my thanks back.

**PHI: **Okay, but does anyone here think maybe my dad won’t blow up on me if he sees this? Anyone, please?

**ROKUROU: **i mean idk your dad that well but……

**MAGILOU:** 🙏💀🙏💀🙏💀

**EIZEN: **Now those are odds even I wouldn’t bet on.

**ELEANOR: **You should never give up hope, Phi, but… In this case, I wouldn’t count on it.

**PHI: **Ughhhhh.  
Velvet better appreciate this.  
See you guys later at Niko’s for the party, I guess.

* * *

_MAZHIGIGIKA MILUDIN DO DIN NOLURUN DOU created the chat._  
_MAGILOU renamed the conversation: _**_🍿🍿🍿 time._**

**MAGILOU: **i always forget this thing has my full freakin name

**ROKUROU: **i thought that was just your stage name??

**EIZEN: **If this is your stage name, what's ‘Magillanica Lou Mayvin’?

**MAGILOU: **i’m a woman of many identities 👻  
aaaaanyways  
ladies and gentlemen, boys n girls, kick back and relax as the showdown of the century unfurls before our very 👀👀!

**ELEANOR: **Must you make this so dramatic?

**EIZEN:** And make another group chat for this? I’m too old to be keeping up with all this shit.

**ROKUROU: **you’re only a few years older than me man

**EIZEN: **I’m old at heart and take full pride in that.

**ELEANOR:** You can tell he’s old because I’m always correcting him on misinformation that’s been better researched in the last decade.

**EIZEN:** I’m telling you, EVERYONE SAID for YEARS that eggs and egg yolks especially were bad for your cholesterol, and now you’re telling me there’s such thing as “““good””” cholesterol? That’s BULLSHIT.

**MAGILOU:** HELLO??? UR MISSING THE POINT HERE

**ROKUROU: **yeah like i don’t think phi would actually be cool with watching us popcorn.gif to velvet and artorius fighting  
hence the new chat  
also nice one babe

**EIZEN: **Aren’t you and Eleanor already standing right next to each other?

**ROKUROU: **the kids ain’t here i’m allowed to make passes at my girlfriend!

**MAGILOU: **adorable tbh 💗  
also absolutely revolting 🤮🤮 i insist u cut that shit out  
and that’s not actually the point i meant to make but u rite u rite  
TO GET US BACK ON TRACK THO

**ELEANOR: **Honestly, what are we talking about here?

**MAGILOU:** PHI’S ABOUT TO GIVE HIS GIFT TO VELVET AND SHIT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!!! 🤼

**ELEANOR: **His dad isn’t giving it with him though. 😔

**EIZEN: **Not surprising, but to be honest, I’m already surprised this party’s gone as well as it has. I thought for sure Velvet would start yelling at him the moment he decided to stay instead of just dropping Phi off.

**ROKUROU: **think it’s because her brother’s home too. we heard them arguing about the money he spent to come home for just a few days and there were some… choice words… from laphi about how velvet needs to stop babying him  
she probably just wants arty here so someone can talk to laphi and keep him distracted

**MAGILOU: **okay those are some JUICY💦💦💦 deets i’ll need u to spill more on l8er 🍵🍵 BUT 4 NOW!!

**ELEANOR: **Aww, look at her smile!! Someone take a picture, she looks so happy.

**EIZEN: **Those are some nice hair accessories, too. Not antique, but Artorius definitely forked good gald over for them.

**ROKUROU: **lol i think she just got to the punch coupon too

**MAGILOU: **4 real this is the brightest✨ smile yet  
still want a picture eleanor??

**ELEANOR: **Well… At least she’s happy… And laughing, too.

**MAGILOU: **wait  
oH  
OH SHIT  
HERE COMES DAD!!!!  
😱😱😱😱  
DON’T PANIC PHI THAT’LL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE

**ROKUROU: **ohhhhh shit he saw it  
we can hear the scolding from here  
dad is NOT amused with the coupon

**ELEANOR: **Velvet’s telling him to calm down since it was only a joke and that there’s no need to scold Phi for something that made her laugh on her birthday  
Artorius says his son should know better than to make jokes in poor taste for Velvet’s apparently crude sense of humor  
Oh no now Phi’s upset on both their parts

**EIZEN: **Come on, Velvet, keep it cool. I’m here to collect on that 200 gald!

**ELEANOR: **THAT’S YOUR CONCERN??

**ROKUROU: **GUYS  
SHIT  
OHHHHH HOLY FUCK  
SOMEONE RECORD THIS  
RECORD!!!!!

**MAGILOU: **STOP SPAMMING 4 A SEC SO I CAN OPEN MY 🎥 GDI  
DID U C THE WAY SHE LUNGED 4 HIM?? 💀💀  
OUR GIRL RLY WENT STR8 4 THE JUGULAR

**ROKUROU: **JUGULAR?? I THINK YOU MEAN NOSE THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE  
ELEANOR GRABBED PHI OUT AND NOW SHE’S DRAGGING ME AWAY BUT OH MY GOD  
I CAN BARELY UNDERSTAND THE THINGS THEY’RE SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER

**EIZEN: **Neither can I, but trust me, the whole backyard can hear it.  
Wow, they’re REALLY going at it. How did they even manage to break that table?  
I feel bad for the cake that Niko baked though.

**ROKUROU: **don’t feel too bad  
do you HEAR how loud she’s cheering for velvet??  
i thought she’d be worried but nah she’s even more for it than any of us combined  
her dogs too  
hell i think they might join

**ELEANOR: **COULD EITHER OF YOU MAKE YOURSELVES USEFUL AND BREAK THEM UP BEFORE THEY TRIGGER ONE OF LAPHICET’S ATTACKS  
I’m going to stay with Phi but seriously I don’t want to have to call an ambulance for Laphi

**ROKUROU: **actually he’s… smiling  
he doesn’t look that concerned about what’s going on  
like how his brother-in-law just slugged his sister in the gut  
or how velvet just threw a chunk of dirt into artorius’ eyes  
seriously he looks pretty okay about this

**MAGILOU: **srsly u guys r making it IMPOSSIBLE to record in peace  
i’m trying to watch+record @ the same time u kno!!  
all ur notifs and pings r getting in the way!!! 😤😤

**EIZEN: **Rokurou, you spar with her, right?

**ROKUROU: **yeah

**EIZEN: **Just how mean is that right hook of hers?

**ROKUROU: **in practice? bad enough to crack my jaw  
with all her pent up anger though?? if phi’s dad hasn’t broken anything yet, i’m sure he has now

**EIZEN: **DAMNATION MAGILOU, DID YOU GET THAT?!  
I knew they could both fight, but HOLY SHIT was that a good one.  
I gotta say, I’m impressed with Velvet.

**ROKUROU: **same here  
velvet always said she could never beat artorius  
now she’s got him pinned with her fist to his throat

**MAGILOU: **ofc i got it 👌  
just who do u think ur talking to???  
_Attached: VID_2340982.mp4_  
skip to the end tho, i zoomed in on their faces

**ELEANOR: **No need. We can hear them laughing from here.

* * *

_ARTORIUS COLBRANDE created the chat. _

**ARTORIUS:** I would prefer to have this discussion in person, but as I’m currently nursing a bloody nose, I’m afraid that isn’t possible.  
Now, I know that most of you only know me in passing, and I usually have little reason to question Velvet’s judgment. You’re all friends with both her and Phi, and more than anything, I’m grateful for that.  
But now, I have to ask.  
Which one of you told my son it would be a good idea for him to tell my sister-in-law to punch me in the face?

_ ROKUROU has left the chat. _

_ MAGILOU has left the chat. _

_ EIZEN has left the chat. _

**ARTORIUS: **Was it you, Eleanor?

**ELEANOR: **Um.  
No, professor, it wasn’t.  
But I’m afraid I can’t say I did much to stop it.

**ARTORIUS: **I see.  
That’s a shame.

_ ELEANOR is typing… _

**ELEANOR: **PROFESSOR??

**ARTORIUS:** Don’t let Phi know, but tell whoever came up with it… Tell them I said thank you.

* * *

**PHI: ** Velvet, can we talk?

**VELVET: **Of course we can  
… Aren’t you grounded tho

**PHI: **I am, but Dad didn’t see me grab my phone, and I’m hiding in the bathroom.  
Promise not to tell?

**VELVET: **It’ll be our little secret

**PHI: **Are you feeling better? You looked pretty beat up when we went home.

**VELVET:** I already told you, I’m fine  
Honestly, these are basically all scratches  
I just kinda forgot how tough your dad is

**PHI:** He did look pretty scary when he was fighting… But so did you.

**VELVET: **I’d say I take that as a compliment but I just wanna make sure  
You're really not scared of me now, Phi? Or your dad?

**PHI: **No… I mean, it was scary seeing you two fight like that, but I’m not scared of you, Velvet. Dad doesn’t scare me either.

**VELVET: **Okay, good  
That was definitely a rough fight, but you know… Back in the day, we’d fight like that a lot

**PHI: **Like when Dad was teaching you how to fight?

**VELVET: **Exactly  
Don’t tell Rokurou, but I think I’m gonna have to find a new sparring partner  
Just training with him has REALLY made me lose my edge  
I wouldn’t have half these bruises if I was at my best

**PHI: **Really??? But you were already so strong!  
You even beat Dad!

**VELVET: **Yeah… I really did  
That was the first time I ever beat him

**PHI: **That’s amazing! And I bet that was the first time you fought him in a really long time!  
How many times have you fought him before?

**VELVET: **Countless times, I never kept track  
You should ask Laphi about them tho  
There were plenty of times I almost beat your dad only for him to hand my ass to me

**PHI: **He watched you guys train together a lot, didn’t he? I was really scared at first, but Laphi looked totally relaxed the whole time. He didn’t even blink when you guys broke those tables.

**VELVET: **Shit I’m gonna need to take Niko furniture shopping for all this  
But that doesn’t surprise me  
For Laphi, it had to be a familiar sigh. Nostalgic, even

**PHI: **Do you think you’re gonna fight with Dad like that again?

**VELVET: **Maybe  
Look, your dad and I still have a lot to talk about  
And I’m sorry you had to see us fighting each other like that  
But after that fight, I think I’m ready to try talking to him again  
I never thought I’d be able to until now  
So thank you, Phi  
Your coupon really paid off

**PHI: **You’re welcome, Velvet! I’m really glad you liked your birthday gift. Even if I guess the gift ended up being a fight…  
But I hope you like your other gifts, too!

**VELVET: **You already know I do  
I’ll make sure to wear one of them the next time we hang out

**PHI: **Okay! I can’t wait to see it.  
Happy birthday again, Velvet.  
I love you!

**VELVET: **I love you, too

* * *

**ROKUROU: ** so… i’d call that a mission success?

**MAGILOU: **i’ll say! u rly managed to give velvet the best gift of all 🎁✨  
i never would’ve guessed her beating him up would ACTUALLY lead to them 🤝 making amends!

**PHI: **Me neither. I’m grounded for a week, but I don’t even care. It’ll all be worth it if Velvet and my Dad start getting along again!

**EIZEN: **What are you even grounded for? It’s not your fault they couldn’t keep their tempers in check.  
… And what are you doing on your phone right now if you’re grounded?

**PHI: **I wanted to talk to you guys still! I didn’t get the chance to see any of you again before we left.  
Dad said I’m grounded for inciting cause to fight. I also think he doesn’t want me to talk to any of you for a bit since you’re the ones who gave me the idea…

**ROKUROU: **tell him that was all magilou

**MAGILOU: **WTF??? 💢💢 U ALL AGREED!!!

**EIZEN: **Well… It’s not like I can blame the man…

**ELEANOR: **I don’t think your dad is that upset about it all. You’re only being grounded for a week instead of forever, right?

**ROKUROU: **you’re surprisingly optimistic about this considering everything…

**ELEANOR: **I just have a feeling it’ll be fine, that’s all.

**MAGILOU: **MORE IMPORTANTLY, w/ velvet’s happiness and our dear phi’s safety reassured, we have one last matter that must be settled  
eizen, it’s time u pay 💸💸💸 up

**EIZEN: **Damn it, I was hoping you forgot.

**ROKUROU: **OH YEAH you owe us!!!

**MAGILOU: **i would NEVER🤑 forget a bet!! a debt owed is a debt owed 🤠 and u swore in this very chat to pay what’s due! should u try to abandon ur responsibilities 👿🔪 i’ll chase u to the ends of the earth if need be 🌎🌎🌎 to the very ends of ⏳TIME⏳ if i must!!!

**ELEANOR: **You do remember that he lives here? Runs a pawn shop here? That his sister lives here too?

**MAGILOU: **u never kno what a man might do once he owes $$$...

**PHI: **Sorry, Eizen. Looks like you’re not getting out of this one.

**EIZEN:** Fine. I’ll be sure to bring an extra few hundred gald with me next time we meet up.

**ROKUROU: **pleasure doing business with you friend

**PHI: **Wait till I’m done being grounded to meet up! I want to see the debt be paid, too.

**MAGILOU: **i’ll save u a special 💺 front row and center, just 4 u kiddo

**ELEANOR: **Why do I have the feeling this is going to turn into a whole event now…

**PHI: **😄  
Thanks, guys. For everything.

**EIZEN: **Any time, Phi. Glad we could help.

**PHI: **OMG DAD’S HERE  
GOTTA GOAIERWIO

**ROKUROU: **??? phi??

**MAGILOU: **ohhhhhhhh boy

**PHI: **Hello. This is Phi’s father. I’d like to inform you that Phi’s grounding has now been extended to two weeks. Whatever… debt event… it is that you have planned may now have to be postponed.  
Have a good evening.

_PHI_ _has left the chat._

**EIZEN: **Alright, the guy definitely hates us.

**ELEANOR: **Oh, it’s not that bad.

**ROKUROU: **did you see what he just wrote?? or that last chat with him???

**MAGILOU: 🙀🙀🙀 **HE’LL NEVER LET US C R DARLING, SWEET PHI-BOY AGAIN!

**ELEANOR: **Well if you guys hadn’t just DITCHED ME in that chat you’d know what I know and why he’s not actually mad at any of us!

**EIZEN: **And that information is…?

**ELEANOR: **I’ll tell you guys here now that Phi’s left, but 1) don’t tell him, and 2) you may want to block Magilou after this.

**MAGILOU: **👀👀👀

**Author's Note:**

> you can't convince me that magilou wouldn't be THE most obnoxious when it comes to typing, you just can't. she's also probably the fastest texter out of all of them even including her incessant use of emoji which just makes her that more dangerous.


End file.
